This summer is turning out to be much more introspective than I had anticipated. It might have something to do with the fact that we’re not seeing much sun over here in Toronto – but what with the near-constant threat of rain so far, coupled with my predilection for jumping into puddles, I’ve found myself taking some very long walks in the rain. I still feel like a balloon about to drift off at any moment, but it has been better.
My planner is actually helping to anchor me, no surprise there. This little book has been my personal buoy, reminding me that I can’t let go and drift away because I have responsibilities to things that are bigger than myself. That I am part of families. That I have friends. That I need to keep myself well, because I have people who love me and are invested in me, and vice versa.
Throughout all this, I was thinking back to when I was in undergrad and I realised that my golden number was five courses. Any lower, and my grades dipped; the semester I only had four courses, I really struggled to keep my grades up, and during my penultimate semester when I only had two courses, I had more trouble than I should have had. It turns out that I thrive as a person on a certain stress level. With that in mind, and also remembering that I’m just about on the cusp of getting back to normal, I’ve signed myself up for more things.
Maybe it’ll help? I’m not sure yet. But the constant white noise of grief has been overwhelming, and I hope that immersing myself in tasks and duties helps me to bear it and move forward.