After an arduous and emotional hiatus, it feels so good to have the time and energy to expend on writing for myself again. I know I say it every single time, but I’ll say it again: it’s been too long.
To celebrate my goal of making it out of my first year of grad studies in one piece, I took the plunge after months of fretting and ordered an Undated Compact Passion Planner for myself. I know, it’s hilarious, I see it too: a planner ordering a planner as a present to herself for completing year one of Planning school. But, this present actually works for me because I am also the type of individual who thrives on routine, and I genuinely think that my planners have come to be a necessary form of self-care. I already have a 2016-2017 planner from ban.do which I purchased last summer in prep for grad school, but my use of it has evolved: from actively using it to plan my months, I’ve since been using it as a remembrance book where I make collages of movie tickets, business cards of food places I love, and other small paper mementos. Looking back, I realised that this change occured becase while fantastic, the ban.do planner is gigantic. I eventually realised it was not functioning the way that I needed a planner to work, as I carry it around everyday in my bag and hardcover + spiral bound was not making my life easier.
I think that what I’m hoping for in purchasing the Passion Planner is to be able to use it as a tool, to help me engage with my introspection in a more guided manner instead of wallowing and drowning in it like I have recently been (like I still am). This past year has been incredibly difficult – and not because grad classes were poorly-taught, or because my professors were not supportive, but because I mentally checked out midway in October 2016. Someone I loved died four days before my 26th birthday last year… and I have not been taking it well. This death plunged me into a state where I had no desire to apply for graduate scholarships or for additional funding, or even go looking for summer internships. I still don’t have an internship lined up, but I am applying left and right and front and back. We’ll see how it goes.
I need to map out a life path for myself this summer and gain some semblance of control over my life, as I feel as though I am currently careening out of control and trying so desperately to stay on this road. So here I am, excitedly and rather impatiently awaiting the delivery of my Passion Planner, and while I am fully cognizant of the fact that a planner will not solve all of my problems, I’m hoping that the act of planning my summer out will at least lessen the anxiety and antsiness that comes with feeling very helpless when looking into the abyss.