24th Birthday Thoughts

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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been tempted to write about the many, many things that went wrong this October. It was, and still is, a hot mess. Can’t help but think that things are just going to get worse for me until November hits. I wanted to express my frustrations and anger at the way that things were falling apart – an occurrence that I have no patience for because I plan everything out to the last detail. My life has no room for errors, particularly because I am working on a tight, self-imposed calendar of events and to-finish-by-dates.

And yet I also feel very much like it would be mean-spirited to dedicate my birthday post to grouchiness and general anger. Today is my 24th birthday, and several people have made me feel so loved and blessed that it has drowned out the negativity and bad vibes that I was swimming in since this month began. My birthday post shall be one of introspection and realization, and a little self-indulgence, I suppose, because I bought myself not one, but two birthday gifts to celebrate this stupidly exhausting month. Blame it on all the stress from my academic life, or say it’s a healthy way of coping with the aftermath of both being sick and working on three papers simultaneously.

So what have I learned this year?

Among other things, I have learned that whatever this life has to offer, it is up to me to make the most of it. Second chances won’t be available all the time, opportunities aren’t always there for the taking, and the fact that I have more to be thankful for than to be sad about may not always be the norm in my next 24 years.

I honestly don’t know if it’s my eating habits or my hormonal imbalances that are pushing me towards the wrong side of 120, but I do know that I can at least do something about that. I’ll take the stairs in the mornings instead of the elevator, and bring baon instead of going the food truck route for lunches at school. Getting in relatively better shape always begins with that first step.

I am not good at keeping in touch with my friends, because I am so focused on school. I have rather narrow vision when it comes to tasks I must accomplish, and so I don’t see other people I’m walking this life with. This is wrong, and mustn’t continue. Life is too darn short to not see my friends.

Lately, I’ve regretted not reading more. Subway times are either spent playing games or reading inane internet shit. While I shall not deprive myself of mindless activity that takes my mind off of the stress, I shall aim to read more. My brother got me a tablet today, which is going to be my e-reader!

The euphoria brought about by getting yourself new things cannot be undermined. I am now the happy owner of the bright yellow Happy Plugs and the black leather bag in the picture above!

Depression has also been making a reappearance. Again, I don’t know if it’s because my medication is throwing my hormones all out of whack, but I haven’t had much enthusiasm about life. I try to push because this is the path I chose and I have to justify choosing it, but sometimes, the ink has run dry and there are no happy thoughts. I must stay strong. This cloud silences my voice, but this time I am not going to give in. I am going to keep writing, I am going to keep at it. It will not defeat me.

Stay strong, everybody. Hold on to your light, whatever that light may be. Hold it tight and never let it go out.

‘In this phial,’ she said, ‘is caught the light of Eärendil’s star, set amid the waters of my fountain. It will shine still brighter when night is about you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.”  – Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

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